Garry Landreth, a well-known figure in child-centered play therapy, once said, "The child will not change until the child is free not to change." At first glance, this quote might seem puzzling, but it holds deep wisdom about the nature of growth and emotional development. The heart of this message is about providing children the emotional freedom and acceptance they need to grow on their own terms, without pressure or force.
When we want to help children grow, it’s easy to think that our job as adults is to guide them toward better behaviors or attitudes. But sometimes, that guidance can feel like pressure and judgement to the child. Whether in therapy, at home, or in school, when we push too hard for change, it can backfire. Instead of feeling supported, children may feel misunderstood or criticized, leading to resistance.
But this often leads to a subtle pressure on the child to meet our expectations. Whether it's in therapy, parenting, or education, pushing for change too soon can backfire, leaving children feeling misunderstood, judged, and resistant.
Landreth’s quote reminds us that children need to feel fully accepted just as they are before they can begin to change. If a child feels that they are only worthy if they behave a certain way, they may shut down emotionally or resist any attempts at growth. On the other hand, when a child feels free to be themselves—flaws and all—they develop the safety and security needed to explore new ways of being.
Acceptance is the foundation of change. When a child knows they are accepted unconditionally, they feel safe enough to take emotional risks. This safety allows them to grow on their own terms, without fearing rejection for making mistakes. They start to see growth as something they can choose for themselves, not something they need to do to make others happy.
Take, for example, a child who often gets angry and lashes out. If adults constantly tell them, "You need to stop being so angry," without acknowledging the feelings underneath, the child may feel invalidated and defensive. They aren’t given the space to understand or express their emotions. However, if the child is allowed to feel their anger without being judged, they may eventually learn to express it in healthier ways. The key is letting them work through their emotions, rather than forcing them to suppress or hide those feelings.
Emotional freedom and unconditional acceptance give children the space to grow at their own pace. This doesn’t mean letting go of boundaries or expectations. It means creating an environment where the child can trust that their feelings, behaviors, and thoughts are understood and accepted. In this space, change can happen naturally because the child no longer feels pressured to meet someone else’s standards.
Landreth’s quote points to a core truth about human nature: real change happens from within, not because someone else demands it. When children feel free not to change, they are empowered to choose growth for themselves. This internal motivation is what leads to lasting and meaningful change.
So, how can you create an environment where your child feels free not to change? Start by practicing unconditional acceptance. Let your child know they are valued for who they are, not for who you think they should be. When they’re having a hard time, acknowledge what they’re feeling without rushing make them feel or act better.
Instead of saying, “You need to stop acting this way,” try something like, “I can see you’re really upset right now. I understand. It’s okay to feel that way.” This kind of response tells your child that their emotions are valid, and they don’t need to hide how they feel to be accepted by you.
This doesn’t mean letting go of boundaries or consequences. It just means you meet your child with empathy. When children feel free to be themselves, they start to trust their ability to manage their emotions and behavior. And once they trust themselves, real change can begin.
The path to growth starts with acceptance.
By creating an environment where your child feels free to be themselves, without pressure or judgment, you offer them the freedom to explore their emotions and behaviors. Ironically, it’s often in this space of freedom that the most meaningful change can happen. When children feel safe in who they are, they are more open to becoming who they want to be.
